By Katie Kieffer
John Mayer copycats beware. You may think you are playing the field, but your field is limited. If you’re a Playboy fan, you might be missing out on an entire species of spectacular women. Playboy is not the bare-all industry you thought it was.
You may need to go on a safari and wear your night vision goggles to find the type of woman I describe. She doesn’t have a blaze orange spray tan or flaunt a Playboy Bunny cotton tail. She’s elusive, confident, strong, independent and smart. And, yes, she’s intimidatingly attractive.
The type of woman I describe is a ravishing conservative woman. Playboy hates this type of woman because she is a threat to the image of women it wants to portray. A conservative woman is independent. She does not rely on a sugar daddy – male or Congressional – to make her decisions. She believes that her body is her own property and no one, especially the government, has the right to tell her what to eat, how to eat or when she should abort her children.
This past June, Playboy released – and then quickly pulled – an article by Guy Cimbalo entitled: “So Right It’s Wrong: The Top 10 Conservative Women We Love To Hate,” lambasting opinionated, outspoken, and gorgeous conservative women including:
- Michelle Malkin, described by Cimbalo as,“This highly f—able Filipina.”
- Michele Bachmann, for whom Cimbalo violently announces,“Chemical castration has begun to look appealing.”
- Laura Ingraham, judged by Cimbalo to be an “insipid” “racist and sexist.“
- Mary Katharine Ham, regarding whom Cimbalo warns, “You get this one pregnant, she stays pregnant. Karma’s a bi—, isn’t it?“
My assessment is that Playboy cheats men by pushing them to “hate fu–” conservative women and look for these key attributes in partners:
- Immature and girlish. As your girlfriend(s) grow old, be like Hef and trade them in for a new, younger set, preferably twins for double hanky-panky. According to Playboy, women should live in Neverland and never grow up, along with Peter Pan and the Lost Boys. Women should tether themselves to men 50 years their seniors who serve as R-rated “grandfathers,” not soulmates.
- Image from “The House Bunny” starring Anna Faris.
- Stupid. Take it from a few of the Las Vegas Club Palms Playboy Club Play Bunnies themselves:
- What is your favorite way to waste an afternoon?
HOLLY: Watching Divorce Court – and eating. - What is your favorite book?
JANNAH: Jennah Jameson‘s autobiography. - Who is your biggest inspiration?
JANNAH: My mother…and Hugh Hefner, of course! - What was the hardest part about learning to become a dealer?
MELISSA: Counting all the numbers; they all started looking the same!!!
- What is your favorite way to waste an afternoon?
- Apathetic. No opinions please, just shake your bunny tail and bring me a cocktail!
- Submissive. Sure, they might have their own reality show or modeling agent, but at the end of the day, women are the property of Playboy Enterprises, Inc. Playboy upholds women who flaunt their looks and make themselves objects so that Hef can profit. Playboy is helping men idolize “yes-women” and despise women with true intellectual and physical appeal. Playboy needs a new model of women that is based on reality, independence and equality.
Jacuzzi in the Hugh Hefner Sky Villa, Palms Casino Resort, Las Vegas
In response, I would like to paraphrase comedian Ron White:
Don’t marry for looks alone, and I’ll tell you why. In a few years, when breasts start sagging, she can get plastic surgery, have them lifted. If her belly gets too big, she can get a tummy tuck and have a belly like a cheerleader. If her vision goes bad, you can have LASIK surgery and have 20/20 vision. If her hearing goes bad, they can install a device in her ear that will give you hearing as clear as it was the day you were born. But let me tell you something, folks: You can’t fix stupid. There’s not a pill you can take; there’s not a class you can go to. Stupid is forever.